Last night at the Hollywood Bowl, George Benson introduced his new female band member, Lilliana de los Reyes, as the daughter of a famous drummer. He noted that she’d recently completed her MFA at USC’s prestigious Thornton School of Music. You could hear the pride in his voice.

After playing percussion behind him all evening, she joined George front and center for a duet. Wow! She rocked the house. As soon as she began, a smattering of  “Oooo….ooohhh….aaaahhhh” murmured across the audience along with light applause.

At the end of their song, we let forth our biggest round of appreciation all night. Lilliana de los Reyes is a spectacularly gifted musician. And I imagine a very remarkable woman in many other ways. She’s also a young, tall, lean, long haired blonde, who fits the idealized American beauty standard.

George extended his hand toward her as the applause died down and said her name “Lilliana de los Reyes.” Basking in the glow of her first appearance at the Bowl, she bowed, waved to the audience and headed back to her drums. But then George ruined it for me. He jokingly compared her to her father who plays drums but doesn’t sing. And ended his comment with “Of course, her father isn’t beautiful like that either.” He chuckled sweetly as did many in the audience. And the show went on.

I felt intolerance surge from my gut into my chest. I shook my head and felt the strength of my Guardian midlife Warrior energy rise up. Another ignorant and “innocent” objectifying comment by a man who is continuing to play by the rules of an “old boys” system.

Translate the same engagement to a corporate setting and imagine how it would fly. At the end of a great presentation, the older male lead presenter turns to the room of business people and comments on how attractive his younger partner is??? I don’t think so!

I have no idea how Lilliana felt about the comment. And I suppose that is what is most important. Yet I feel protective. I realize now what I didn’t recognize when I was her age.  Comments by men in positions of power about a woman’s appearance aren’t as innocent as they sound.

My younger self appreciated being told I was attractive by older men. Like many women of my era, I didn’t understand the power dynamics playing out in the relationships between men and women. I enjoyed the power I felt in my sexuality, in my feminine beauty. I took it in and let it feed my Ego.

Then I grew older.

And less stereotypically attractive.

I cut my hair short.

I grew even older.

Then #MeToo happened.

And I began to recognize in ways I’d never seen before, the pervasiveness of gender inequality, male privilege, and the objectification and sexualization of the female body at every level of society and in most institutions. It’s everywhere. And for the most part we all just go along with it.

Like last night.

I wonder how many other audience members picked up on the comment. Did anyone else feel intolerance rise up?

I don’t blame George. And I didn’t let it ruin my enjoyment of the concert. I sent myself a text with George’s comment so I could write about it today. Then, like the Buddha taught, I chose to let the wave of intolerance and anger pass to the shore.

This morning I decided to revisit the wave.

Dictionary.com defines intolerance as unwillingness or refusal to tolerate or respect opinions or beliefs contrary to one’s own, or persons of a different social group, especially a minority group.

That makes sense in light of historical and current inequity and injustice.

But isn’t there something true and good and pure about intolerance that also needs to be included in the definition?

The Oxford English Dictionary my mom bought me back in the 1980’s begins their definition of intolerance this way: “impatience, unendurableness; the fact or quality of being intolerant; not tolerating or enduring something; incapacity of endurance.” Then it goes on to list specific expressions similar to the primary definition offered by dictionary.com.

I am reclaiming the use of “intolerance” in its purest meaning.

The refusal to tolerate or endure unloving, demeaning, dehumanizing, disrespectful language, attitudes and actions is essential for social justice.

The refusal to tolerate or endure objectification, sexualization and commodification of the female body is essential for gender equality.

In an interview for an Appearance Matters podcast, Philosopher Heather Widdows of the University of Birmingham talked about how beauty standards are a social justice issue. She suggested that instead of imagining a world where all beauty appearance pressures are eliminated, we need to imagine a world where all social injustice is eradicated.

I think she’s on to something important about beauty, identity and women’s empowerment.

As long as we go along with historically accepted norms that give George and other men a pass to comment on women’s bodies outside of a beauty contest, we perpetuate injustice at a micro-level. Every time we don’t call out micro-aggressions, we contribute to the perpetuation of macro-aggressions.

At some level, George’s innocent and affectionate remark grows out of the same soil as Harvey Weinstein’s reign of sexual terror.

A few weeks ago I vented with my friend Stephanie about my growing intolerance for ways of praying and worshiping that used to feed my soul. I told her how conflicted I felt about the dark energy arising in me. The next morning she sent me this word of wisdom. I don’t know who said it, but I’m carrying it with me these days as I reclaim the goodness of intolerance:

“I use the sword of my intolerance to cut deep and true.

I hold fast my vision and manifest it.”

How about you?

Is there an area in your life where you need to allow intolerance to help you cut deep and true?

If so, I’d love to hear about it.