After a rocky episode in our relationship, my mom wrote me a note saying, “Remember me as loving you – any discipline and ‘blowing my top’ in anger has had it’s roots in love.”

My theory: all dysfunction, disorder, darkness has it’s roots in love.  At least that’s been my experience.

My core nature longs for unity and perfection, within myself and with others, in the world around me.

When I open my heart, become fully engaged and conscious, and feel my connection to all humanity, I feel responsible.  This is the feeling that drives me to feel guilty for wasting food, volunteer for too many acts of service, and “blow my top” when my husband doesn’t love me the way I want him to.

From this place, when I read about the problems of the world, I feel guilty.  Wherever I have not sacrificed my food and plenty so a hungry brother may eat, I have stolen at some universal Love level.  Wherever I have not stepped in to prevent death, to protest war, to end the violence against women and children, I have killed.

I see it in my eating disorder patients.  It drives perfectionism, justice seeking, intolerance of breaks in relationships, unrealistic expectations of self and others, deep capacity and desire for attachment, deep anger and hurt.

Perfect love.  Goodness, perfection, completeness.

It is what we were made for.

“Be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect.”

“Love one another as I have loved you.”

Perfection, harmony, unity, love, peace — all to the glory of God, all expressions and manifestations of that perfection of  love.

Ultimately, we all just want to be loved.

Perhaps that is what drives eating disorders.  Perhaps that is what drives us to surgically alter our bodies to achieve an “ideal” of beauty. Maybe if we are thin enough, beautiful enough, then we will be lovable.

What do you think?